Everyone hears, at some point in their lives, that running is beneficial to heart health.  A logical extension of that statement would be that runners have healthy hearts, while non-runners might be susceptible to heart issues.  While running does indeed improve heart, lung, and circulatory health, runners cannot assume that their hobby will protect them from heart-related illnesses.  Running can, however, get people into shape so that they are able to identify the warning signs of heart problems before they are fatal.  My uncle is one such person. Continue…

My time at Purdue has taught me many things. I’ve learned about the hormones associated with pregnancy, what “lordosis” actually is, that the ventromedial hypothalamus makes me feel satiated, and that physics and I are two incompatible entities. All of these things are greatly important for my future and, without knowing them, I would feel terribly uninformed for the rest of my life.  I mean, all English professors need to know about human chorionic gonadotropin, right? And seriously, how could I even interpret poetry without the understanding of the curvature of my lumbar vertebrae?

Oh, what is that? You can you tell I’ve done the focus-switch with the degrees I’m earning? I’m a testament to wasting thousands of dollars? [Insert witty argument as to why I’m a baller despite all of that].

Being an English major isn’t actually all that bad; I have actually learned a few things as one. I’ve learned that obscure literature will appear on any and every standardized exam, that pretentious name-dropping of authors will, in fact, get you everywhere, that hipsters are my primary peer group, and that my anal-retentive tendencies towards the English language are not as exclusive as I once thought. The last one is the most comforting regarding my stellar life choices.

I truly take solace in the fact that, if one were to walk up to most any English major on campus asking about if they had some sort of vendetta against Americans for how the English language is treated, the inquirer would be confronted with a frothing-at-the-mouth crazy person, ranting to high hell.

But more often than not, it’s never about the same thing. Some people find fault with colloquial speech, exclaiming that improper language does not qualify as novel material. (Your columnist is currently eyeing the large stack of delightful novels and short stories sitting upon an adjacent nightstand written by prolific African-American men and women). Some, on the other hand, find the current trend of pop-fiction novels involving self-deprecating vampires and spineless females leads to be the true sign that Americans are illiterate. (Your columnist just died a little on the inside).

Yet, despite never being able to find a consensus on colloquial speech or abortions masquerading as literature—oh, I went there—most every English major at Purdue can find unity on one thing: the Oxford Comma. If there is no other tidbit of knowledge with which onegraduates from this college, then, dear God, let it be this comma.

Yes, while Vampire Weekend is delightful and their song “Oxford Comma” is a just as delicious as every other song, it isn’t true; everyone should give a frick about an Oxford Comma . Looking at the Oxford English Dictionary itself, the Oxford Comma is a comma “immediately preceding the conjunction” to “avoid ambiguity” within a sentence. While this may appear to be a non-issue, this is literally a punctuation mark that can determine the fate of any written piece. This comma may in fact be the English major’s version of the decimal. For, without it, as the decimal, the information one is trying to convey becomes entirely different.

You must be wondering if this is a moment of the “frothing-at-the-mouth crazy person, ranting to high hell”. Technically, yes, but my seriousness is on the same level as a Design major’s stance on Comic Sans; there are rules that must be followed at all costs. (For those who do not know, first rule of Design is: Never. Use. Comic Sans). An example of the importance of the Oxford Comma is needed? How about we compare a sentence in which we use the oxford comma against one in which we do not use the oxford comma:

“Look over there! It’s a cat, Hitler, and a dress.” Vs. “Look over there! It’s a cat, Hitler and a dress.”

Consider changing this word.  It is meant as a noun, but can be confused with a verb due to its location at the end of a long clause.  It took me a few tries to read the sentence properly.

Let’s get real, folks. This season of the South Park has been a downer so far. I know I’m not the only person who’s felt this way, and if you’re a fan who has enjoyed each week’s additions, I’m still going to rant. Granted, it’s the 16^th season and every show has good years and bad years, but I decided to compile a list of reasons why I’ve yet to really be impressed so far. Continue…